20 Days of Loving

It is true that what you focus on – what you put your time, energy and attention into – grows.  This is no different when we love someone and we want to grow that love.  Paying attention to those that we love and spending some time each day to show that love, makes you feel more loving towards them and helps them feel more loved – a win win!

Here are 20 ideas for 20 days of loving. You can focus on 1 each day and over time feel that loving grow.  This is a gift that you choose to give your partner.  If you have been quite disconnected they may not feel the full importance of the gift for you and may not appreciate it in the way that you had hoped.  But I urge you to continue to give – no strings attached and see where it takes you.

Day 1 – Practise loving patience.  Say nothing negative to your partner and if the opportunity arises choose not to say anything at all.

Day 2 – Practise loving kindness.  Do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Day 3 – Invest in them.  Buy them something that says “I was thinking of you today”.

Day 4 – Contact them at some time during the day with no other agenda than asking how they are doing and if there is anything you can do for them.

Day 5 – Make time for them.  Rearrange your schedule and give them the gift of your time today.

Day 6 – Appreciate 1 thing about your partner today and tell them.

Day 7 – Focus on your partner’s achievements.  Share with your partner how glad you are about a success they have recently enjoyed.

Day 8 – Greet your partner in a way that reflects your love for them.  Do it with a smile and enthusiasm.  Make this a permanent change.

Day 9 – Do something out of the ordinary for your partner today – wash their car; buy their favourite dessert; take over their chores.  Demonstrate love for the sheer joy of being their partner.

Day 10 – Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your partner.  Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Day 11 – Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your partner.  Do something they would like to do – just be together.

Day 12 – Choose to honour, cherish and respect your spouse in a way that is above your normal routine.  Choose something that shows them they are special and highly esteemed in your eyes.

Day 13 – Prepare a special dinner at home for just you and your partner.  Focus this time on getting to know your partner better, perhaps in areas that you have rarely talked about.  Go out of your way to make it an enjoyable evening for the two of you.

Day 14 – Find or write a love poem, letter or song that captures how you feel about your partner and share it with them.

Day 15 – remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that is taking you time and affection away from your partner.

Day 16 – Plan to meet one of the greatest needs in your partner’s life right now – big or small eg rearrange the family budget to bring in a cleaner or your schedule to give them some free time to themselves or take that longed for vacation.

Day 17 – Express your love by telling your partner 3 reasons that you love them.

Day 18 – Check in with your partner and really hear their view (without defensiveness) on your relationship and how it could be better. Plan to make it better together.

Day 19 – Increase the physical affection – hugs, kisses, touch – lasting at least 6 seconds many (minimum 6) times per day.

Day 20 – celebrate how far you have come in your loving with a surprise for your partner.

Add on top of any of the days texts, phone calls, emails as ways of staying connected throughout the day.

Whilst I have written this thinking about your connection to your partner – you could modify this for any relationship with someone that you want to show more loving to.

Catriona xx

Acknowledgement: I have adapted some of these from a book called The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick – A Christian book based on the Bible and scripture with lots of insight into love and keeping it alive.

Picture thanks to: http://thinkoutsidetheboxchallenge.blogspot.com.au/2009/10/great-gift-ideas-2010-calendars.html

Time with your Partner - Part 2

Ok so you have rearranged your life to spend time with your partner – now what? I consider the time that you are connecting 1 on 1 to be extremely precious and not to be wasted so I have put together some ideas for getting the most out of this time.

Get to know your partner’s world and allow them to know yours.  When you first met your partner your time together was full of questions designed to get to know them – bring those questions back.  It is amazing how people change over time and if you don’t consistently check in with them you may be out of touch.  As with most things these days there is even an app created by the Gottman Institute, which provides a list of questions to help you out – they are a lot of fun (see the Gottman love maps app in the itunes store)

Share your feelings. When you tell your partner about your day or anything else, go that next level and tell them how you were feeling about what happened.  This adds more of you to your story because you are letting your partner know about events but also how they impacted you which is an important part of building intimacy.

Check in on your relationship.  Show that you care for your partner by wanting to be there for them.  Ask them if there is one thing today they would like you to do for your relationship and see if you can do it.  Talk about the things that are going well and those that you feel are being neglected.  A regular habit of doing this will make it much easier when there are difficult topics to discuss as you will have lots of practice but better yet it also provides a kind of early warning system to help you tackle the areas of neglect before they get big.  You can then work together on a plan.

Talk about your hopes and dreams.  Your partner cannot support you to reach them if they don’t know what they are.

Appreciate your partner and all the things they do for you, your family and your relationship.  Talk together about all the things you are grateful for in your lives. Let them know they are loved and cherished.

Have fun together: share jokes; laugh and generally be silly; play games that allow you to interact (watching tv does not count).  Exercising together can be fun.

Physically connect.  Kiss, hug, touch, rub, massage etc, alone or in combination with any of the above in a non-sexual way.

Make love. Don’t forget to include this as part of your connecting time as nothing else produces the bonding chemicals to the same level.

And just a point on what to avoid in this time: any discussions that usually lead to fights; logistics such as scheduling who is doing what with whom and when or chore allocation.  Book in times for these and put clear boundaries around them.  They are a necessary part of life but should not consume your time any more than necessary.  And if there are issues that never seem to get past the fight – get some help.

Doing these things will help you find a new level of joy in your partner and your relationship and make the 1 on 1 time so special that you will want to prioritise it over everything else no matter how busy you are.

photo credit marriageintimacyexpert.com

Time Together for a Healthy Relationship

I was reading a book recently where the author, a leading Australian couple’s therapist, John Aiken, claims to have ended couples therapy sessions with couples who refuse to rearrange their schedule to spend 30 minutes per day one on one together.  As he says it is a waste of everyone’s time – if you don’t spend time together you are not going to have a relationship.  I understand his frustration and while I have never stopped seeing a couple because of it, the issue of time together has been a major challenge for many of my couples.

When a relationship has deteriorated to the point where the main discussion revolves around logistics – kids, work, housework, weekend activities etc – the thought of 30 minutes a day talking together about something else is quite terrifying.  Even in a good relationship habit and time pressures can sidetrack discussion to logistics leaving little time to really know your partner.  15 hours per week is the goal - I remember reading that somewhere and it seems reasonable (the average Australian watches 26-28 hours per week of television) but remember the journey of a thousand steps starts with the first step so start small and build on your success.

And just so you know that it is possible I thought I would share with you how my husband, Brett and I implemented the 15 hours per week in our relationship.  Firstly it was a really conscious effort.  We both needed to make changes to our routines to make it happen.  And of course there are the weeks when it all goes pear shaped!!  But when that happens we regroup, reassess and begin again the following week.

So here is approximately how we do it. Each weekday we spend about an hour together depending on when we wake between 5.30 and 6.30 over coffee in bed.  This was really hard for me at first as I am not a morning person.  Brett is a morning person – always has been - and often jokes that he needs to get the coffee into me before he gets any sense out of me.  But when we looked at our schedules this was really the only time we could add into our day.  Brett, on his part, rescheduled his exercise to after our time and adjusted the time he started work to compensate.  (5 hours per week)

In the evenings after work we often spend about 30 min together while one of us (usually Brett) cooks dinner talking about our day.  (2.5 hours per week)

Every Thursday is date night. From 7 to about 9.30 we either go to a local restaurant or get take away and stay home without any distractions such as television. (2.5 hours per week) The staying home “date night” is something we started when the kids were small so we could save on babysitters but we have always made it like a real date – no distractions.

The final 5 hours are over the weekend through extended coffee in bed, evening drinks on the deck or taking opportunities to do other activities together - we have become really good at opportunistic time – taking opportunities as they arise eg when we both work from home we will have lunch together. Or an example from last weekend we went together to pick up one of Brett’s e-bay purchases (a topic for another whole blog!!) about an hour drive away and had breakfast on the way home.  We have also a few fun activities that we do together such as play golf together at least monthly and try to have a weekend away at least every year (6 months if we are lucky).

And most importantly to do all of that we have not compromised on family, exercise, friends, hobbies, work or anything else important to us.  We have prioritised us and look forward to the time together.

So you have made the time now what? Stay tuned for my next blog what does 1 on 1 time really mean?

How Men Can Survive Couples Counselling

A while ago I was trawling through the internet for relationship gems, as I do, and I came across an old article from "The Age" Newspaper written by a journalist named Seamus Bradley.  Now I don't know Seamus but I really liked his perspective on men and couples counselling and thought I would share it with you here.

In the 9 years since the article was written, women are still the main initiators of divorce and are more likely to seek help for relationship issues whether their partner goes with them or not.  Unfortunately it has also been shown that women who seek individual counselling for relationship issues are more likely to leave the relationship.  This could be because it is the person who is receiving the counselling is learning and growing and changing while their partner is not and they grow apart.  But anecdotally I also know of occasions where counsellors seeing only one person in the couple, have encouraged it - the view being that if your partner is causing you this much pain you are better off leaving him.  This individual perspective does not consider the complexity of a couple's relationship space and what each person in the couple contributes to it.  This relationship space can only be worked on with both partner's present.

So men don't put your head in the sand  - be present, learn and grow together...take comfort from Seamus and go for it.  You have nothing to lose and you may just gain more than you can imagine.

Catriona xx

How men can survive couple counselling

The four little words "we need to talk" frighten men more than anything else. But it doesn’t have to be that way, writes Seamus Bradley in "The Age" newspaper August 7, 2003

Many years ago, my mother discovered through therapy that "dysfunctional" was a synonym for "family" and within a year she and my father had split - despite the best efforts of a couple counsellor.

Nearly 20 years later, my father told me he had no idea why she left. He loved her, he said. "I just can’t understand it."

For years, my siblings and I had been convinced that breaking up was the best thing they had ever done for each other (and for us), but that one small piece of information placed our belief in doubt.

I told my mother, as delicately as I could, and she said: "Well, he never told me".

This kind of situation is the basis of all drama. Characters who fail to communicate properly act out of their assumptions with disastrous consequences. It has spawned a million novels, movies, plays and a self-help publishing phenomenon with catchy titles and a single important message: learn to communicate.

Every day, people just plain misunderstand each other. Women either know this better than men or are usually more willing to talk about it.

Though the culture has evolved since my parents’ break-up, human nature has not. Nevertheless, an increasing number of men are taking up the challenge of counselling - often as the result of a last-ditch, let’s-save-this-relationship-or-I’m-outta-here ultimatum.

Many men go kicking and screaming (if only internally) to couple counselling. What’s the point of all this yammering, we think, haven’t we talked about the issues endlessly for years? Anyway, couldn’t messing with men’s heads produce soulless, Stepford husbands or worse, something neurotic that just won’t shut up - like Woody Allen?

Among the reasons my parents split was my father’s unwillingness to take part fully in counselling. He did go along to a few meetings but quit when it became uncomfortable. And there’s nothing surer than couple counselling will get uncomfortable, especially for the bloke. For a start, the whole thing is conducted in a language men find painful - plain English. No frills, no evasions, no escape.

You will hear lots of stuff about yourself you won’t want to know, but the most awful thing you encounter will be encouragement to talk about how you feel. And bad as that may feel, that’s a good thing.

Men are rarely encouraged to talk about how we feel, so we take it as a golden opportunity. Let fly. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, and you make more progress.

It’s best to admit early on that you have feelings, even if only microscopic ones. And replacing "I think" with "I feel" can have a profound outcome on how arguments are curtailed and issues resolved.

For instance, saying "I think you are trying to annoy me" can cause a fight, but saying "I feel you are trying to annoy me" is not debatable. No one can tell you what you feel.

And there’s another way to get all that talk to stop sooner rather than later. Remember to say "me" and "I" when you mean "me" or "I".

Sure, everyone in the room knows you mean yourself when you say something like: "You get a real bad feeling when things go haywire".

But they like you to own the feeling (I’m not making this stuff up, honest). Not arguing about it saves time, which in turn saves money because you get to the issue earlier, which means it can get sorted out quicker.

With the help of a skilled counsellor, you might even discover that what you’ve been arguing about isn’t the issue at all. There are two sides to every story but the truth is rarely anywhere in the middle; it’s probably about to hit you from behind with a baseball bat.

For instance, couples often invent a shorthand and make assumptions. Discussing your issues with a trained counsellor means the counsellor can interject, asking what one or other of you mean by a phrase you both commonly use. Explaining in plain English allows your partner to grasp, often for the first time, what you were really saying all along.

When you’re wrong (and boy, will you ever be) admit it, deal with it and move on. (If you think your partner is wrong say: "I feel you’re wrong there.")

Don’t lie. Even if there’s no way you’ll get found out, it’s still a waste of time and money. Men have issues, too (shock, horror), so make sure you talk about things from your point of view. You’ll get better at this with practice and get more out of the sessions, too. If you’re angry say "I feel angry" about whatever it is.

If you don’t like the counsellor, feel they are incompetent or think he or she is working against you as an individual or as a couple, get a new one (but discuss it with your partner first: "I feel the counsellor is working against us," etc). If it’s only a ruse to delay getting to the issues, don’t bother.

And it’s not all talk (whew!). There’ll be plenty of ideas of what to do to improve your relationship and - though the whole thing does feel like a wrench - you will acquire the "tools" and strategies to repair the relationship all by yourself (I’m still not making it up).

Though they never really managed it in their own marriage, my parents knew what the priorities should be. They exhorted us to communicate, to compromise and to work on our relationships.

But nobody ever really says straight out how hard it is to have a contented, successful relationship or that it doesn’t happen the way it’s portrayed in the movies, a happy accident clinched with a kiss.

Mostly that’s because, at their heart, relationships are as baffling as the individuals in them. So while counselling can bring clarity, restore happiness or make you realise the person you first dated hasn’t changed that much after all, there’s no magic relationship-by-numbers formula, no instant resolutions. There’s only goodwill, time, effort and - the essential ingredient - fun.

But even if you break up after all that counselling, you will have had the chance to gain tremendously. If you go with it, chances are you will be more communicative, less inclined to trust to dumb luck, know how to break destructive habits and be far more able to manage relationship issues on your own.

You will also have had the satisfaction of having said everything you wanted to say, maybe even resolved a few things. Sure, there may be regrets, but you won’t be left wondering years later, as my father was, how it all went wrong.

In a relationship fix? Get it fixed

Fact 1:Failure to communicate is taking its toll on men’s physical and emotional health resulting in high rates of depression and suicide.

Fact 2:Women initiate up to 70 per cent of break-ups.

Rosalie Pattenden, a senior psychologist with Relationships Australia, says such facts show "that some men have to make changes in the way they relate or they’ll lose their families".

Only a minority of Australian couples - between 15 and 20 per cent - have attended relationship counselling but, despite a traditional male view that couple counselling is shameful or a sign of failure, many men are taking up the challenge.

Pattenden says men still trail women in initiating counselling but the gap has narrowed from 100 per cent a couple of decades ago to about 8 per cent now.

The change is due to an ongoing transformation in male attitudes and to changes in counselling methods, she says.

Today most people realise that counsellors are like consultants in that they "resource you to make your own choices and to find your own way", she says.

Most couples find counselling strengthens their relationship - sometimes making it healthier than it has ever been.

"They learn to understand each other better, to know where each other is coming from, to meet each other’s needs better and to find ways to sort out their own problems." Such turnarounds happen even after affairs and violence, she says.

Pattenden would like to see couples go to counselling the way they go to the motor-mechanic, at the first sign of trouble and for regular servicing.

"Sometimes it’s not until men lose their families that they see that it was really the emotional wellspring of their life," Pattenden says.

Relationships Australia: 9835 7570; Men’s Line Australia: 1300 789 978; Lifeline: 131 114.

And Of course Catriona at connection101

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What to do about Amygdala Hijacking

Amygdala hijacking is a funny sounding term that is actually far from funny!!  It can make a normally sane and steady person into a roaring dinosaur faster than you can say dinosaur!!!

Magical wikipedia (I think it is magic because when I was a student I had to ride my bike to the library to look up the encyclopedia!!) describes the origins of "amygdala hijack" as a term coined by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Drawing on the work of Joseph E. LeDoux, Goleman uses the term to describe emotional responses from people which are immediate and overwhelming, and out of measure with the actual stimulus because it has triggered a much more significant emotional threat.

From the thalamus, a part of the stimulus goes directly to the amygdala while another part is sent to the neocortex (the "thinking brain"). If the amygdala perceives a match to the stimulus, i.e., if the record of experiences in the hippocampus tells the amygdala that it is a fight, flight or freeze situation, then the Amygdala triggers the HPA (hypothalmic-pituitary-adrenal) axis and hijacks the rational brain. This emotional brain activity processes information milliseconds earlier than the rational brain, so in case of a match, the amygdala acts before any possible direction from the neocortex can be received. If, however, the amygdala does not find any match to the stimulus received with its recorded threatening situations, then it acts according to the directions received from the neo-cortex. When the amygdala perceives a threat, it can lead that person to react irrationally and destructively.

So the amygdala can work faster than the rational part of our brains.  This does not mean we are powerless to stop it.  Firstly we need to recognise the signs which include heart rate increase; rapid breathing and you may feel hot and bothered as adrenaline rushes into your body to activate the flight, freeze or fight response.

Now if you are about to be mugged or you need to lift a car to save a baby or you have just come face to face with a grizzly bear - go ahead - your body is getting a clear signal to act - quickly.  But if you are reacting to a minor thing your partner has said or dirty dishwater in the sink your reaction comes from being triggered by a feeling that may actually have nothing to do with what is going on in the here and now but from something long ago - the brain finds it hard to tell time. The best thing you can do for you and your relationship is recognise that it is happening -  and learn how to recover your composure - quickly.

While it can take up to 20 minutes for the adrenalin to leave your body you can actually calm down much faster than that with practice. Here are some ideas for soothing yourself that you can call on when needed.

Relaxation techniques - there are many mp3's or apps available to guide you through meditation and relaxation exercises that can assist the process.  Some useful ones you can try yourself include.

• deep breathing right from the diaphragm

• working through each limb and muscle in your body and consciously relaxing it;

• visualising your safe place or somewhere that brings you joy.

Sensory self-soothing techniques - go through each sense and find techniques that appeal to you.  As everyone is different what works for one may not work for another so it is important to put together your own list you can draw on.  Here are some ideas:

Touch:

• bubble bath with scented oil;

• hot or cool shower feel the water falling on your skin;

• massage;

• stretching/yoga;

• pat an animal;

• wear comfort clothes;

• carry a soft piece of cloth or worry beads or smooth stones etc to feel and touch when you need to.

Hearing:

• soothing music;

• audio book;

• white noise or tv in the background;

• the sounds of nature - birds, ocean etc

• water fountain

Sight:

• make a collage;

• carry soothing pictures with you and pull out when needed;

• go to your favourite place and just enjoy;

• art on your walls;

• picture books/coffee table books.

Smell:

• burn scented candles or incense;

• wear cologne, perfume or scented oil that makes you feel good;

• visit places that have your favourite aroma eg bakery; coffee shop; florist;

• wander in a garden of scented plants;

• bake;

Taste:

• enjoy your favourite food;

• treat yourself to a favourite sweet treat;

• drink your favourite beverage;

• suck on an ice cube;

• eat a juicy piece of fruit.

Once you have recognised that the hijacking occurred and you have developed some strategies to deal with it, it is helpful to begin to remember the triggers so you can give your neocortex (thinking brain) a head start on the amygdala and ward off the hijack.

More on triggers later...

xxCatriona

Sex as a Weapon

Sex as a Weapon

Too often I hear of "weapons" being used in marriage/long term relationships - talked about as if it was an OK strategy to get what you want from your partner.  Sex is a common one - particularly for women.  But money, time, fun, anything good that is withheld from your partner to manipulate, can become a weapon. And I need to be clear - it is not an OK strategy.  While it may be effective in the short term, in the long run weapons increase negativity and turn your relationship into a battle ground.  And who wants to live in a battle ground?

Getting into a negative mindset - or as John Gottman, world renowned relationship expert, calls it negative sentiment override - in your relationship is the beginning of the end. At the start of a relationship positivity is so high it is hard to understand how a relationship can ever fall apart but over the years anger, resentment and unaddressed issues can build up and everything the other person does starts to be interpreted negatively.  For example a simple comment like the wife on her way to bed asking her husband if he could turn all the lights off before coming to bed gets interpreted negatively and an angry response follows like: "Don't I always turn off all the lights - why are you always telling me what to do?".  In a relationship where positivity rules the husband might see the request as merely his wife being too tired and gladly does it to help her out.

When even simple requests become an opportunity for a new battle, very often we stop asking and find other ways to get our needs met - hence the weapons.

Gottman says you need 5 positives to every 1 negative for a happy relationship - relationships can tolerate a small amount of negativity if the majority is overwhelmingly positive.

So what can you do if you recognise negativity increasing in your relationship and it is feeling more like a battleground? What if you know you have a couple of weapons up your sleeve you pull out now and again?  The first thing you need to do is surrender your weapons and start replacing them with tools.  I like to think of it as just like a carpenter creates beautiful furniture with the tools in their workshop - so too can we create beautiful relationships with the right tools.  And there are literally hundreds we can draw on to assist us. Here are a few to get you started:

1. Make deposits into your emotional bank account.  Gottman talks about the emotional bank account balance as being a tally of the positive minus the negative interactions between couples over time.  It is important that this account doesn't get into deficit and the way you do that is to ensure that daily you are consciously adding to it with positives. For example a cup of tea in bed; foot rub in front of the telly; washing your partners car; etc all positives. And being late home from work; or not completing something you agreed to do are examples of negatives.  The more positive balance you have the better your relationship will withstand the big negatives.

2. Create a culture of appreciation in your relationship. Say thank you; appreciate the positive acts; show that you are truly grateful that your partner is there with you.

3.Bring back the fun.  When you have positive experiences together it helps you remember the good - why you got together in the first place.

It will never happen if you don't start - TODAY

Catriona xx