20 Days of Loving

It is true that what you focus on – what you put your time, energy and attention into – grows.  This is no different when we love someone and we want to grow that love.  Paying attention to those that we love and spending some time each day to show that love, makes you feel more loving towards them and helps them feel more loved – a win win!

Here are 20 ideas for 20 days of loving. You can focus on 1 each day and over time feel that loving grow.  This is a gift that you choose to give your partner.  If you have been quite disconnected they may not feel the full importance of the gift for you and may not appreciate it in the way that you had hoped.  But I urge you to continue to give – no strings attached and see where it takes you.

Day 1 – Practise loving patience.  Say nothing negative to your partner and if the opportunity arises choose not to say anything at all.

Day 2 – Practise loving kindness.  Do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Day 3 – Invest in them.  Buy them something that says “I was thinking of you today”.

Day 4 – Contact them at some time during the day with no other agenda than asking how they are doing and if there is anything you can do for them.

Day 5 – Make time for them.  Rearrange your schedule and give them the gift of your time today.

Day 6 – Appreciate 1 thing about your partner today and tell them.

Day 7 – Focus on your partner’s achievements.  Share with your partner how glad you are about a success they have recently enjoyed.

Day 8 – Greet your partner in a way that reflects your love for them.  Do it with a smile and enthusiasm.  Make this a permanent change.

Day 9 – Do something out of the ordinary for your partner today – wash their car; buy their favourite dessert; take over their chores.  Demonstrate love for the sheer joy of being their partner.

Day 10 – Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your partner.  Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Day 11 – Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your partner.  Do something they would like to do – just be together.

Day 12 – Choose to honour, cherish and respect your spouse in a way that is above your normal routine.  Choose something that shows them they are special and highly esteemed in your eyes.

Day 13 – Prepare a special dinner at home for just you and your partner.  Focus this time on getting to know your partner better, perhaps in areas that you have rarely talked about.  Go out of your way to make it an enjoyable evening for the two of you.

Day 14 – Find or write a love poem, letter or song that captures how you feel about your partner and share it with them.

Day 15 – remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that is taking you time and affection away from your partner.

Day 16 – Plan to meet one of the greatest needs in your partner’s life right now – big or small eg rearrange the family budget to bring in a cleaner or your schedule to give them some free time to themselves or take that longed for vacation.

Day 17 – Express your love by telling your partner 3 reasons that you love them.

Day 18 – Check in with your partner and really hear their view (without defensiveness) on your relationship and how it could be better. Plan to make it better together.

Day 19 – Increase the physical affection – hugs, kisses, touch – lasting at least 6 seconds many (minimum 6) times per day.

Day 20 – celebrate how far you have come in your loving with a surprise for your partner.

Add on top of any of the days texts, phone calls, emails as ways of staying connected throughout the day.

Whilst I have written this thinking about your connection to your partner – you could modify this for any relationship with someone that you want to show more loving to.

Catriona xx

Acknowledgement: I have adapted some of these from a book called The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick – A Christian book based on the Bible and scripture with lots of insight into love and keeping it alive.

Picture thanks to: http://thinkoutsidetheboxchallenge.blogspot.com.au/2009/10/great-gift-ideas-2010-calendars.html

Does Venting Help?

I think a lot of us believe that “venting” will help us feel better but does it?   Dictionary.com defines it as giving free play or expression to an emotion.  Although I would add common use would be a negative emotion – feel free to vent happiness or joy anytime as this is unlikely to hurt yourself or others. What we are really saying when we vent is that “I have all these overwhelming emotions about something/someone and I don’t know how to make sense of it right now” and what we really need when we vent is help in regulating these emotions, that is help to make sense of it all and support to get back on track.

Unfortunately what we often get is a response that people think is helpful, agreeing with us or worse feeding into the negativity with examples of their own to support it.  While the person who is venting may feel validated by this response “see so and so agrees with me” this response does nothing to shift the negativity and may actually provide positive reinforcement to the venting, ensuring it becomes a tool in the armoury of defences that prevents them from getting to and addressing the real source of their emotional pain.  If you, or someone you know, vents a lot ask yourself what is really going on under all that noise? Or I could call it mouthing off because what tends to happen (and especially if the venting leads to emotional flooding) is that things are said that are not really meant and then damage is done that has to be undone – especially if you are venting to the person who is the source of the pain.

So does it help? From what we know from neuroscience about how the brain works would suggest that no amount of venting is helpful.  What gets fired gets wired and when you are venting regularly about a topic your brain will very quickly associate that topic with negativity regardless of the facts.  In addition, if you go so hard as to emotionally flood, you are filling your body with things like cortisol, the stress hormone and adrenalin the fight or flight hormone which again reinforces the negative by putting the body on high alert when the topic comes up.

Having said that, venting with the purpose of making sense of the emotional overwhelm can be useful if it leads to help in regulating these emotions and support to get back on track.  Writing in a journal can help, as you begin by venting but soon calm as writing slows the process and the words on the page can help draw out what is really going on.  Knowing this can provide the understanding you need to help yourself or seek the right help to get back on track. Writing on a facebook page or in a chat room for others with the same issue rarely helps as you will elicit the agreeing response which will not help you move forward.  A support group can help as long as venting is dealt with appropriately. If it’s not you will find a room full of people who agree with you but you won’t move forward.

As most people vent to their friends I suggest that if you are going through emotional turmoil such as grief or relationship breakdown or rebuild, that you chose your support team wisely and even provide them with a script of what you want them to say back to you after you have finished your vent.  So for example in the case of rebuilding a relationship that is going through a hard time select your person that you vent to and provide them with a script like “I understand you are having a bad day but your intention is to rebuild this relationship and ten reasons you are choosing to do this are [list 10 positive reasons]…” This will calm the negativity and allow you to refocus and think more clearly about what you really need to get back on track.

Gratitude and Appreciation

Earlier in the week I came across this quote from Oprah Winfrey: "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more.  If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never have enough."   I think that the more gratitude and appreciation we can bring into our lives the happier we become.  That extends to being grateful for the people we have in our lives.  I see gratefulness and appreciation as a habit - something you need to consciously practice every day to become good at it and make it part of the way that you see your life.

To help you develop the gratitude and appreciation habit, I  am going to share with you an exercise in Gratitude and Appreciation I have adapted from a book by Joyce and Barry Vissel called The Heart's Wisdom.  Joyce and Barry have a beautiful and loving perspective on relationships that shines through in their work and the many books they have written about their own successes and at times struggles in creating a loving relationship.

Gratitude and appreciation can open the door of your heart to any person or situation in your life.

For a loved one:

For one week focus all your gratitude and appreciation upon someone close to you.  Pay attention to the little, and usually unnoticed, things as well as the big things this person does for you.  Whenever you can, thank them for something they have done no matter how small.  At the end of the week reflect on the good things they have done and think about all the reasons you are grateful that you have this person in your life. Share this with them with the intention that you never take them for granted.

For a situation:

When you feel grateful for all the situations in our lives you can better let go of the past and be less concerned about the future, dwelling more in the present moment.  In a quiet space reflect on all the situations in your life that bring you happiness.  Feel the gratefulness that these situations are in your life.  Now reflect on a situation that it is hard to be grateful for.  Look for the way that this situation has brought you a valuable lesson and an opportunity for growth.  As you can embrace this situation with gratitude and appreciation, the gift and the growth will be more fully in your life.  If you cannot be grateful now, leave it open that you will in time find the gift and the growth. 

It can take as little as 5 minutes a day to make a huge shift in the way you see your life and bring you more happiness.

Catriona xx

photo acknowledgement: http://www.onestopwebmasters.com/top-10-spring-season-wallpapers/

Lessons from a Tooth

I amazed myself the other day…I was cleaning the kitchen bench and stacking the dishwasher when I picked up a kids coloured plastic cup with a bit of water in it.  I caught myself looking carefully into the cup before I threw the water in the sink and put the cup in the dishwasher.  I had done all of this before I even knew what I was doing – to the observer probably so quick as to be unnoticeable – and I have probably done it many times before, but this time I stopped and thought about it.  What was I looking for?  And then it hit me – I was looking for a tooth.  Long ago one of my children had put a tooth they had lost, in a plastic cup, in some water ready for collection by the tooth fairy and before they had a chance to take the cup to their bedside table I had cleared the bench and without a glance thrown it down the sink.  Their reaction (extreme grief) to the loss of the tooth and my emotional response (remorse and regret) to that reaction  was enough to ensure that forever forward I would unconsciously check plastic cups with water for teeth before putting them in the dishwasher!! Amazing!!

This is a small example but I share the story to remind us that every day we are unconsciously doing routine tasks, acting in certain ways and most importantly thinking certain things that stems from our history.  What are called neural pathways form in the brain as quickly as one incident with a tooth and cause us to behave in certain ways when confronted with a situation that reminds the brain of the original incident.  What really struck me about my tooth example is that it only needed to happen once.  Imagine how super effective it is when an incident is repeated again and again and again.  Really useful when learning a new skill (I am still pretty near perfect with my times tables).  Not so useful when the pathway is negative or destructive (a child constantly being called stupid).

It used to be believed that once the brain was wired by a certain age, it could not be changed.  But advances in neuroscience are revealing more and more evidence to show that it is possible to change and re-wire the brain – the concept of neuroplasticity.  This is great news for those of us wanting to change something in our lives that is holding us back – opening us up to the possibility that anything really is possible if you set your mind to it.

Think of a snow capped mountain in spring when the snow is melting the water is flowing down the well worn rivers and creeks it has been flowing down for ever.  The only way to stop the water filling the same riverbeds year after year is to do something to the path of the water – divert it or block it altogether.  It is the same with the brain – we need to find the path and divert or block it.  Diversion techniques are good because the water has to go somewhere and you can decide where the new path will be.

Now looking for teeth in plastic cups of water has little impact on my life so let’s take an example like biting your nails (I haven't met anyone who does it that doesn't want to stop)… Firstly catch yourself biting your nails – so become aware and conscious that you are doing it then decide what you want to do instead and do it eg get out a nail file and start filing them instead.  A good start.  Even better go upstream and work out what the trigger was for the nail biting and divert that.  So if you bite your nails because you feel anxious in certain situations learn different ways to manage your anxiety.

We do so many things on auto-pilot that making a change is sometimes very difficult but don’t give up – it is all possible.

If you would like to know more about this I highly recommend the book “The Brain that Changes Itself” by Norman Doidge.  And the 2004 Film “What the Bleep Do We Know”.  Both fascinating accounts of the possibilities.

Catriona xx

Thanks to http://thatreofsunshine.blogspot.com.au/2011/07/who-says-tooth-fairy-doesnt-exist.html for the cute picture

Leave Relationship Pain Behind

I’ve been called a Marriage Saver…like it’s a bad thing!

A while ago a person dear to me, accused me of being a marriage saver – I say accused as she was angry that I would suggest that from my point of view, there were still things of value to treasure in her relationship.  What she wanted from me was to agree with her that it was time to leave and get over it.  I was not telling her what to do at all.  I believe we all have to travel our own paths – create our own journey.  But sometimes when we are drowning in a sea of pain and the source of that pain is our relationship it is very difficult to see beyond the next wave.

Just like a caterpillar struggles out of it’s cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly, often for something to reach its true beautiful potential a struggle needs to occur. In working with couples where there has been an affair, or years of ongoing pain, I have seen time and again it is the greatest struggles that yield the most amazing results. So, to me, a relationship is never “dead on arrival”.  The first thing I do is look for the heartbeat and know that when I find that heartbeat (and it is always there) – anything is possible from there.

The relationship is the space between the two people in it and both are responsible for what this space looks like.  If a relationship is struggling or in pain and you want it to be different the only option is to change.  This is the hard part.  It requires you both to get out of your comfort zone, be willing to be afraid as you face a different future and learn what you need to get you there.

I am not a “marriage saver” – I wish it were that simple.  But perhaps all that may be required for you to save your own relationship is a bit of help to make that change.  I have often wondered why we will use an accountant to ensure that we maximise our tax return, or a golf-Pro to improve our handicap but the thought of help to make our most important relationships the best they can be makes us feel like a failure.  The fact is we all learn our relationship skills from the people we see around us from birth.  If they were good at relationships then we were lucky and may have some skills that will hold us well over time.  If they struggled, unfortunately we are behind from the start and need to catch up.  We cannot live what we do not know.

Catriona xx

How Men Can Survive Couples Counselling

A while ago I was trawling through the internet for relationship gems, as I do, and I came across an old article from "The Age" Newspaper written by a journalist named Seamus Bradley.  Now I don't know Seamus but I really liked his perspective on men and couples counselling and thought I would share it with you here.

In the 9 years since the article was written, women are still the main initiators of divorce and are more likely to seek help for relationship issues whether their partner goes with them or not.  Unfortunately it has also been shown that women who seek individual counselling for relationship issues are more likely to leave the relationship.  This could be because it is the person who is receiving the counselling is learning and growing and changing while their partner is not and they grow apart.  But anecdotally I also know of occasions where counsellors seeing only one person in the couple, have encouraged it - the view being that if your partner is causing you this much pain you are better off leaving him.  This individual perspective does not consider the complexity of a couple's relationship space and what each person in the couple contributes to it.  This relationship space can only be worked on with both partner's present.

So men don't put your head in the sand  - be present, learn and grow together...take comfort from Seamus and go for it.  You have nothing to lose and you may just gain more than you can imagine.

Catriona xx

How men can survive couple counselling

The four little words "we need to talk" frighten men more than anything else. But it doesn’t have to be that way, writes Seamus Bradley in "The Age" newspaper August 7, 2003

Many years ago, my mother discovered through therapy that "dysfunctional" was a synonym for "family" and within a year she and my father had split - despite the best efforts of a couple counsellor.

Nearly 20 years later, my father told me he had no idea why she left. He loved her, he said. "I just can’t understand it."

For years, my siblings and I had been convinced that breaking up was the best thing they had ever done for each other (and for us), but that one small piece of information placed our belief in doubt.

I told my mother, as delicately as I could, and she said: "Well, he never told me".

This kind of situation is the basis of all drama. Characters who fail to communicate properly act out of their assumptions with disastrous consequences. It has spawned a million novels, movies, plays and a self-help publishing phenomenon with catchy titles and a single important message: learn to communicate.

Every day, people just plain misunderstand each other. Women either know this better than men or are usually more willing to talk about it.

Though the culture has evolved since my parents’ break-up, human nature has not. Nevertheless, an increasing number of men are taking up the challenge of counselling - often as the result of a last-ditch, let’s-save-this-relationship-or-I’m-outta-here ultimatum.

Many men go kicking and screaming (if only internally) to couple counselling. What’s the point of all this yammering, we think, haven’t we talked about the issues endlessly for years? Anyway, couldn’t messing with men’s heads produce soulless, Stepford husbands or worse, something neurotic that just won’t shut up - like Woody Allen?

Among the reasons my parents split was my father’s unwillingness to take part fully in counselling. He did go along to a few meetings but quit when it became uncomfortable. And there’s nothing surer than couple counselling will get uncomfortable, especially for the bloke. For a start, the whole thing is conducted in a language men find painful - plain English. No frills, no evasions, no escape.

You will hear lots of stuff about yourself you won’t want to know, but the most awful thing you encounter will be encouragement to talk about how you feel. And bad as that may feel, that’s a good thing.

Men are rarely encouraged to talk about how we feel, so we take it as a golden opportunity. Let fly. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, and you make more progress.

It’s best to admit early on that you have feelings, even if only microscopic ones. And replacing "I think" with "I feel" can have a profound outcome on how arguments are curtailed and issues resolved.

For instance, saying "I think you are trying to annoy me" can cause a fight, but saying "I feel you are trying to annoy me" is not debatable. No one can tell you what you feel.

And there’s another way to get all that talk to stop sooner rather than later. Remember to say "me" and "I" when you mean "me" or "I".

Sure, everyone in the room knows you mean yourself when you say something like: "You get a real bad feeling when things go haywire".

But they like you to own the feeling (I’m not making this stuff up, honest). Not arguing about it saves time, which in turn saves money because you get to the issue earlier, which means it can get sorted out quicker.

With the help of a skilled counsellor, you might even discover that what you’ve been arguing about isn’t the issue at all. There are two sides to every story but the truth is rarely anywhere in the middle; it’s probably about to hit you from behind with a baseball bat.

For instance, couples often invent a shorthand and make assumptions. Discussing your issues with a trained counsellor means the counsellor can interject, asking what one or other of you mean by a phrase you both commonly use. Explaining in plain English allows your partner to grasp, often for the first time, what you were really saying all along.

When you’re wrong (and boy, will you ever be) admit it, deal with it and move on. (If you think your partner is wrong say: "I feel you’re wrong there.")

Don’t lie. Even if there’s no way you’ll get found out, it’s still a waste of time and money. Men have issues, too (shock, horror), so make sure you talk about things from your point of view. You’ll get better at this with practice and get more out of the sessions, too. If you’re angry say "I feel angry" about whatever it is.

If you don’t like the counsellor, feel they are incompetent or think he or she is working against you as an individual or as a couple, get a new one (but discuss it with your partner first: "I feel the counsellor is working against us," etc). If it’s only a ruse to delay getting to the issues, don’t bother.

And it’s not all talk (whew!). There’ll be plenty of ideas of what to do to improve your relationship and - though the whole thing does feel like a wrench - you will acquire the "tools" and strategies to repair the relationship all by yourself (I’m still not making it up).

Though they never really managed it in their own marriage, my parents knew what the priorities should be. They exhorted us to communicate, to compromise and to work on our relationships.

But nobody ever really says straight out how hard it is to have a contented, successful relationship or that it doesn’t happen the way it’s portrayed in the movies, a happy accident clinched with a kiss.

Mostly that’s because, at their heart, relationships are as baffling as the individuals in them. So while counselling can bring clarity, restore happiness or make you realise the person you first dated hasn’t changed that much after all, there’s no magic relationship-by-numbers formula, no instant resolutions. There’s only goodwill, time, effort and - the essential ingredient - fun.

But even if you break up after all that counselling, you will have had the chance to gain tremendously. If you go with it, chances are you will be more communicative, less inclined to trust to dumb luck, know how to break destructive habits and be far more able to manage relationship issues on your own.

You will also have had the satisfaction of having said everything you wanted to say, maybe even resolved a few things. Sure, there may be regrets, but you won’t be left wondering years later, as my father was, how it all went wrong.

In a relationship fix? Get it fixed

Fact 1:Failure to communicate is taking its toll on men’s physical and emotional health resulting in high rates of depression and suicide.

Fact 2:Women initiate up to 70 per cent of break-ups.

Rosalie Pattenden, a senior psychologist with Relationships Australia, says such facts show "that some men have to make changes in the way they relate or they’ll lose their families".

Only a minority of Australian couples - between 15 and 20 per cent - have attended relationship counselling but, despite a traditional male view that couple counselling is shameful or a sign of failure, many men are taking up the challenge.

Pattenden says men still trail women in initiating counselling but the gap has narrowed from 100 per cent a couple of decades ago to about 8 per cent now.

The change is due to an ongoing transformation in male attitudes and to changes in counselling methods, she says.

Today most people realise that counsellors are like consultants in that they "resource you to make your own choices and to find your own way", she says.

Most couples find counselling strengthens their relationship - sometimes making it healthier than it has ever been.

"They learn to understand each other better, to know where each other is coming from, to meet each other’s needs better and to find ways to sort out their own problems." Such turnarounds happen even after affairs and violence, she says.

Pattenden would like to see couples go to counselling the way they go to the motor-mechanic, at the first sign of trouble and for regular servicing.

"Sometimes it’s not until men lose their families that they see that it was really the emotional wellspring of their life," Pattenden says.

Relationships Australia: 9835 7570; Men’s Line Australia: 1300 789 978; Lifeline: 131 114.

And Of course Catriona at connection101

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

R U OK?

R U OK?Day is a national day of action which aims to reduce suicide by encouraging people to connect with each other & ask: "R U OK?".  Since 2009 the second Thursday in September has been dedicated to asking people this simple question - but more importantly getting people to stop to hear the answer - getting people to take some time to really connect with one another.

I love it - so much so I have created a whole job for myself helping people rebuild or strengthen the connection with the people in their lives that are important to them.  So often it is the person you sleep in the same bed with that you feel the least connected to, or you just can't speak your kids language anymore.  What then?

Connection to others is good for our health and well being.  Open and honest communication - having someone there that you can truly show your most vulnerable self to and knowing you will be accepted just for being you provides an amazing sense of well being and feeling that we really do belong to one another.

Some simple steps you can take right now to build better connection with someone important to you:

1. Listen to their story without butting in, taking it personally or offering your advice.  Sometimes showing you are able to just sit there with them is all that is required;
2. Validate what they are saying - whether you agree with it or not doesn't matter  - let them know that their story makes sense;
3. And then take that next step and really empathise with them - if you were in their shoes imagine how it would feel and share that with them - again without telling them what to do.
4. Give them a hug (another favourite day National Hug Day - the health benefits of touch are enormous!!)

Taking these 4 steps will build the connection between you. Do this each and every day and watch your relationship transform...and remember R U OK? day also reminds us that it is OK to say "No I am not OK.  Things are not working the way I want them to right now".  And that it is OK to seek help...

Catriona ooxx

What to do about Amygdala Hijacking

Amygdala hijacking is a funny sounding term that is actually far from funny!!  It can make a normally sane and steady person into a roaring dinosaur faster than you can say dinosaur!!!

Magical wikipedia (I think it is magic because when I was a student I had to ride my bike to the library to look up the encyclopedia!!) describes the origins of "amygdala hijack" as a term coined by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Drawing on the work of Joseph E. LeDoux, Goleman uses the term to describe emotional responses from people which are immediate and overwhelming, and out of measure with the actual stimulus because it has triggered a much more significant emotional threat.

From the thalamus, a part of the stimulus goes directly to the amygdala while another part is sent to the neocortex (the "thinking brain"). If the amygdala perceives a match to the stimulus, i.e., if the record of experiences in the hippocampus tells the amygdala that it is a fight, flight or freeze situation, then the Amygdala triggers the HPA (hypothalmic-pituitary-adrenal) axis and hijacks the rational brain. This emotional brain activity processes information milliseconds earlier than the rational brain, so in case of a match, the amygdala acts before any possible direction from the neocortex can be received. If, however, the amygdala does not find any match to the stimulus received with its recorded threatening situations, then it acts according to the directions received from the neo-cortex. When the amygdala perceives a threat, it can lead that person to react irrationally and destructively.

So the amygdala can work faster than the rational part of our brains.  This does not mean we are powerless to stop it.  Firstly we need to recognise the signs which include heart rate increase; rapid breathing and you may feel hot and bothered as adrenaline rushes into your body to activate the flight, freeze or fight response.

Now if you are about to be mugged or you need to lift a car to save a baby or you have just come face to face with a grizzly bear - go ahead - your body is getting a clear signal to act - quickly.  But if you are reacting to a minor thing your partner has said or dirty dishwater in the sink your reaction comes from being triggered by a feeling that may actually have nothing to do with what is going on in the here and now but from something long ago - the brain finds it hard to tell time. The best thing you can do for you and your relationship is recognise that it is happening -  and learn how to recover your composure - quickly.

While it can take up to 20 minutes for the adrenalin to leave your body you can actually calm down much faster than that with practice. Here are some ideas for soothing yourself that you can call on when needed.

Relaxation techniques - there are many mp3's or apps available to guide you through meditation and relaxation exercises that can assist the process.  Some useful ones you can try yourself include.

• deep breathing right from the diaphragm

• working through each limb and muscle in your body and consciously relaxing it;

• visualising your safe place or somewhere that brings you joy.

Sensory self-soothing techniques - go through each sense and find techniques that appeal to you.  As everyone is different what works for one may not work for another so it is important to put together your own list you can draw on.  Here are some ideas:

Touch:

• bubble bath with scented oil;

• hot or cool shower feel the water falling on your skin;

• massage;

• stretching/yoga;

• pat an animal;

• wear comfort clothes;

• carry a soft piece of cloth or worry beads or smooth stones etc to feel and touch when you need to.

Hearing:

• soothing music;

• audio book;

• white noise or tv in the background;

• the sounds of nature - birds, ocean etc

• water fountain

Sight:

• make a collage;

• carry soothing pictures with you and pull out when needed;

• go to your favourite place and just enjoy;

• art on your walls;

• picture books/coffee table books.

Smell:

• burn scented candles or incense;

• wear cologne, perfume or scented oil that makes you feel good;

• visit places that have your favourite aroma eg bakery; coffee shop; florist;

• wander in a garden of scented plants;

• bake;

Taste:

• enjoy your favourite food;

• treat yourself to a favourite sweet treat;

• drink your favourite beverage;

• suck on an ice cube;

• eat a juicy piece of fruit.

Once you have recognised that the hijacking occurred and you have developed some strategies to deal with it, it is helpful to begin to remember the triggers so you can give your neocortex (thinking brain) a head start on the amygdala and ward off the hijack.

More on triggers later...

xxCatriona

Sex as a Weapon

Sex as a Weapon

Too often I hear of "weapons" being used in marriage/long term relationships - talked about as if it was an OK strategy to get what you want from your partner.  Sex is a common one - particularly for women.  But money, time, fun, anything good that is withheld from your partner to manipulate, can become a weapon. And I need to be clear - it is not an OK strategy.  While it may be effective in the short term, in the long run weapons increase negativity and turn your relationship into a battle ground.  And who wants to live in a battle ground?

Getting into a negative mindset - or as John Gottman, world renowned relationship expert, calls it negative sentiment override - in your relationship is the beginning of the end. At the start of a relationship positivity is so high it is hard to understand how a relationship can ever fall apart but over the years anger, resentment and unaddressed issues can build up and everything the other person does starts to be interpreted negatively.  For example a simple comment like the wife on her way to bed asking her husband if he could turn all the lights off before coming to bed gets interpreted negatively and an angry response follows like: "Don't I always turn off all the lights - why are you always telling me what to do?".  In a relationship where positivity rules the husband might see the request as merely his wife being too tired and gladly does it to help her out.

When even simple requests become an opportunity for a new battle, very often we stop asking and find other ways to get our needs met - hence the weapons.

Gottman says you need 5 positives to every 1 negative for a happy relationship - relationships can tolerate a small amount of negativity if the majority is overwhelmingly positive.

So what can you do if you recognise negativity increasing in your relationship and it is feeling more like a battleground? What if you know you have a couple of weapons up your sleeve you pull out now and again?  The first thing you need to do is surrender your weapons and start replacing them with tools.  I like to think of it as just like a carpenter creates beautiful furniture with the tools in their workshop - so too can we create beautiful relationships with the right tools.  And there are literally hundreds we can draw on to assist us. Here are a few to get you started:

1. Make deposits into your emotional bank account.  Gottman talks about the emotional bank account balance as being a tally of the positive minus the negative interactions between couples over time.  It is important that this account doesn't get into deficit and the way you do that is to ensure that daily you are consciously adding to it with positives. For example a cup of tea in bed; foot rub in front of the telly; washing your partners car; etc all positives. And being late home from work; or not completing something you agreed to do are examples of negatives.  The more positive balance you have the better your relationship will withstand the big negatives.

2. Create a culture of appreciation in your relationship. Say thank you; appreciate the positive acts; show that you are truly grateful that your partner is there with you.

3.Bring back the fun.  When you have positive experiences together it helps you remember the good - why you got together in the first place.

It will never happen if you don't start - TODAY

Catriona xx

How to Say No!

Learning how to say no to others in order to be able to look after ourselves is a hard skill to learn for some – I know, I was one of those people who thought that they had to say yes to everything anyone asked of me and I was constantly running myself ragged, feeling drained and depleted of resources.

There are many reasons people get into the Yes habit.  In childhood “being good” and the behaviour that goes with that is highly regarded by adults.  This means that doing what you are told or not answering back was rewarded  and we don’t learn to speak up or advocate for (or sometimes even notice) our own needs because that would be too uncomfortable for the adults in our lives to deal with and they let us know this. Later in the workplace, being the reliable one, the dependable one – the one everyone can always count on brings rewards. And the Yes behaviour seeps into every aspect of our lives as we forget there is any other way of operating.

Brené Brown talks about it as a shame blocking mechanism.  If we can be everything to everyone it hides our shame of not being enough.  I think this sums it up nicely.

So how do you know whether your Yes habit has got to the point of being unhealthy  - holding you back from happiness and joy - and you need to make a shift?

Can you name 10 things you do solely for your own pleasure?

I often ask those I am working with to write a list of 10 things that are life affirming and nurturing solely for them.  It is not uncommon for people to only come up with a couple or to create a list that includes, what I would consider maintenance items ie if you weren’t doing them your life would be compromised like eating, showering. Now maintenance items can be nurturing and life affirming but there is a world of difference between a daily shower and a luxurious soak in the tub or grabbing a museli bar for breakfast as you run out the door and enjoying a beautiful meal.

Do you often feel resentful or angry for no specific reason? Or are you irritated, critical or judgemental of people you see as selfish or people who say no to you?

Perhaps you snap at your partner or kids and don’t really know why or have feelings of resentment or anger you can’t explain. This is a good sign that you need to dig deeper and work out what is going on for you.  It may just be that you are giving so much you have nothing left for you.  And similarly, we often criticise and judge people who have qualities we need more of in our lives.

Can you articulate the priorities in your life?

Most of us are good at naming the priorities that relate to others such as partner or children but what about those priorities that have nothing to do with other people.

If you need to make a shift -What can you do? Remember change needs to be a conscious process – it won’t happen on its own – you need to make it happen.

Learn how to say NO

Practice it right now NO NO .  How does it sound… think of scenarios where you find it easy to say NO then think of scenarios where you find it hard to say NO.  What will it take to make the hard NO’s easier? Some of us are such automatic Yes sayers that we don’t have any mechanism for checking in on ourselves about whether this is something we want to say Yes to or not.  Some strategies that can help include:

When someone asks you to do something you do not need to provide an answer straight away.   It is OK to say can I get back to you on that. And then agree when and how you will get back to them.  This then gives you the time to work out what you want.  If your answer is No be firm – you do not need to provide a huge excuse but importantly don’t back down.  This is hard at first but gets easier the more you practice.

Look at all the things you are currently saying yes to and work out against your priorities (see below) if you still want to say Yes.  If not work out an exit strategy for each one and implement it.  Eg you may not be able to immediately end a commitment you have made but you can make a plan to not renew that commitment or give notice of your intention to end it by a certain date.  Again stay firm under pressure.

Know your priorities and where you want to invest your time

A conscious process of thinking through where you want to invest your time can really help in knowing what you want to say Yes or No to.  My little picture is a tool I use to regularly assess the balance in my life.  Each of the bubbles represents something that is important to me in my life, brings me joy, makes me feel whole  – knowing what makes up each of those bubbles helps me prioritise where I put my time.  If any of the bubbles gets too full it generally means it is draining energy from another bubble and I am missing out on something that is life enhancing for me.  I need to stop saying yes to the bubble that is getting too big eg say no to additional work and say yes to more fun activities.

Embrace or reframe selfishness

Many of us are scared of appearing selfish.  It is a term or label most of us are uncomfortable owning as rarely is it heard in life “I really admire your selfishness”.  Instead what we usually get is a critical accusation “You’re so selfish” but remember that is usually in the context of the person who has said it, not getting something they want from you – so it is all about them.  Replace the idea of selfishness with self care and remember that essentially you are unable to attend to caring for anyone else if you cannot care for yourself properly.

Say goodbye to guilt

Guilt as an emotion or feeling is useful in that it is a little internal alarm that goes off when we are behaving in a way that goes against how we believe we should be operating in this world and can alert us to the need to make a change to that behaviour. So for example if we are stealing from our employer and we believe it is wrong to steal then the guilt alarm will be going off telling us it is time to change our behaviour and stop stealing.

But when our behaviour change is linked to changing our beliefs about how we want to operate in this world such as learning to say No and changing the belief that you need to always say yes, the guilt alarm needs a reality check.  I suggest that if you can honestly say that the behaviour and belief you are changing is life affirming and will make you a more whole and joyful human being (and you can’t be more whole and joyful if you are hurting someone else) then turn off your guilt alarm.  Understand that any time you make a change that affects others they may not be OK at first – you may be taking something away from them that they have taken for granted.  But in the long run everyone will benefit as you truly understand that you are enough and you may just be leaving a space for someone else to shine.