A Family Experiment

The last few weeks in our family we have played out a little experiment that has shown us how strong the neural pathways in our brain can be in driving our habits and patterns of behaviour and just how much you have to practice to change and overcome them.

Just over 3 weeks ago we made some alterations to our kitchen. We added a few new cupboards and moved an island bench against the wall. Nothing major, but as part of it I rearranged the contents of the cupboards and drawers to make more sense with the new shape. The items that you probably use the most – drinking glasses, cutlery, cooking utensils and crockery all ended up in different spots (I didn’t have to move the cutlery but did it for fun!). And then as we went about our day we started to notice just how often we went to the wrong cupboard or drawer before correcting ourselves and heading to the right one. At dinner we would check in with each other to see how we were going.

I guess we were testing the saying 21 days to make a habit. We are now on day 25 and we are not there yet although we have progressed. Right from the start each of us could point to each cupboard and state correctly what was in them but it was putting it into practice that was the hard part – ie we knew where we wanted to go but didn’t always get there. In the beginning we would actually have to open the drawer or cupboard before we could correct ourselves and head to the right one. Now we still head to the wrong cupboard or drawer but can stop ourselves just before we open it. I thought perhaps the kids might work it out faster than the adults but they are at about the same spot – although it could be argued the adults get more practice so perhaps we are a bit slower.

Our experiment has all the things you might think makes change easier – a clear and consistent plan of where the items live (ie not random and moving); strong positive rewards for success (ie you need to open the right cupboard to find the plate so you can eat your dinner!); a small change which should be easier to manage (ie not everything changed); and daily practice. And yet we are into the 4th week and we are still not there yet.

For me this really highlighted just how hard change can be. Changing a few drawers and cupboards around is small scale, low stakes, low emotion change. Compare that to changing patterns of behaviour in a relationship – big scale, high stakes, high emotion change. Add to that emotional stress or other circumstances where your autopilot is likely to kick in and it can really feel like trying to walk up a mountain of crumbling dirt – you move a bit forward and slide back…But with the desire to persist anything is possible.

Xx Catriona

Photo credit - a Girl Guide badge for learning about happiness and doing happiness experiments on you family

Lessons from a Tooth

I amazed myself the other day…I was cleaning the kitchen bench and stacking the dishwasher when I picked up a kids coloured plastic cup with a bit of water in it.  I caught myself looking carefully into the cup before I threw the water in the sink and put the cup in the dishwasher.  I had done all of this before I even knew what I was doing – to the observer probably so quick as to be unnoticeable – and I have probably done it many times before, but this time I stopped and thought about it.  What was I looking for?  And then it hit me – I was looking for a tooth.  Long ago one of my children had put a tooth they had lost, in a plastic cup, in some water ready for collection by the tooth fairy and before they had a chance to take the cup to their bedside table I had cleared the bench and without a glance thrown it down the sink.  Their reaction (extreme grief) to the loss of the tooth and my emotional response (remorse and regret) to that reaction  was enough to ensure that forever forward I would unconsciously check plastic cups with water for teeth before putting them in the dishwasher!! Amazing!!

This is a small example but I share the story to remind us that every day we are unconsciously doing routine tasks, acting in certain ways and most importantly thinking certain things that stems from our history.  What are called neural pathways form in the brain as quickly as one incident with a tooth and cause us to behave in certain ways when confronted with a situation that reminds the brain of the original incident.  What really struck me about my tooth example is that it only needed to happen once.  Imagine how super effective it is when an incident is repeated again and again and again.  Really useful when learning a new skill (I am still pretty near perfect with my times tables).  Not so useful when the pathway is negative or destructive (a child constantly being called stupid).

It used to be believed that once the brain was wired by a certain age, it could not be changed.  But advances in neuroscience are revealing more and more evidence to show that it is possible to change and re-wire the brain – the concept of neuroplasticity.  This is great news for those of us wanting to change something in our lives that is holding us back – opening us up to the possibility that anything really is possible if you set your mind to it.

Think of a snow capped mountain in spring when the snow is melting the water is flowing down the well worn rivers and creeks it has been flowing down for ever.  The only way to stop the water filling the same riverbeds year after year is to do something to the path of the water – divert it or block it altogether.  It is the same with the brain – we need to find the path and divert or block it.  Diversion techniques are good because the water has to go somewhere and you can decide where the new path will be.

Now looking for teeth in plastic cups of water has little impact on my life so let’s take an example like biting your nails (I haven't met anyone who does it that doesn't want to stop)… Firstly catch yourself biting your nails – so become aware and conscious that you are doing it then decide what you want to do instead and do it eg get out a nail file and start filing them instead.  A good start.  Even better go upstream and work out what the trigger was for the nail biting and divert that.  So if you bite your nails because you feel anxious in certain situations learn different ways to manage your anxiety.

We do so many things on auto-pilot that making a change is sometimes very difficult but don’t give up – it is all possible.

If you would like to know more about this I highly recommend the book “The Brain that Changes Itself” by Norman Doidge.  And the 2004 Film “What the Bleep Do We Know”.  Both fascinating accounts of the possibilities.

Catriona xx

Thanks to http://thatreofsunshine.blogspot.com.au/2011/07/who-says-tooth-fairy-doesnt-exist.html for the cute picture

What to do about Amygdala Hijacking

Amygdala hijacking is a funny sounding term that is actually far from funny!!  It can make a normally sane and steady person into a roaring dinosaur faster than you can say dinosaur!!!

Magical wikipedia (I think it is magic because when I was a student I had to ride my bike to the library to look up the encyclopedia!!) describes the origins of "amygdala hijack" as a term coined by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Drawing on the work of Joseph E. LeDoux, Goleman uses the term to describe emotional responses from people which are immediate and overwhelming, and out of measure with the actual stimulus because it has triggered a much more significant emotional threat.

From the thalamus, a part of the stimulus goes directly to the amygdala while another part is sent to the neocortex (the "thinking brain"). If the amygdala perceives a match to the stimulus, i.e., if the record of experiences in the hippocampus tells the amygdala that it is a fight, flight or freeze situation, then the Amygdala triggers the HPA (hypothalmic-pituitary-adrenal) axis and hijacks the rational brain. This emotional brain activity processes information milliseconds earlier than the rational brain, so in case of a match, the amygdala acts before any possible direction from the neocortex can be received. If, however, the amygdala does not find any match to the stimulus received with its recorded threatening situations, then it acts according to the directions received from the neo-cortex. When the amygdala perceives a threat, it can lead that person to react irrationally and destructively.

So the amygdala can work faster than the rational part of our brains.  This does not mean we are powerless to stop it.  Firstly we need to recognise the signs which include heart rate increase; rapid breathing and you may feel hot and bothered as adrenaline rushes into your body to activate the flight, freeze or fight response.

Now if you are about to be mugged or you need to lift a car to save a baby or you have just come face to face with a grizzly bear - go ahead - your body is getting a clear signal to act - quickly.  But if you are reacting to a minor thing your partner has said or dirty dishwater in the sink your reaction comes from being triggered by a feeling that may actually have nothing to do with what is going on in the here and now but from something long ago - the brain finds it hard to tell time. The best thing you can do for you and your relationship is recognise that it is happening -  and learn how to recover your composure - quickly.

While it can take up to 20 minutes for the adrenalin to leave your body you can actually calm down much faster than that with practice. Here are some ideas for soothing yourself that you can call on when needed.

Relaxation techniques - there are many mp3's or apps available to guide you through meditation and relaxation exercises that can assist the process.  Some useful ones you can try yourself include.

• deep breathing right from the diaphragm

• working through each limb and muscle in your body and consciously relaxing it;

• visualising your safe place or somewhere that brings you joy.

Sensory self-soothing techniques - go through each sense and find techniques that appeal to you.  As everyone is different what works for one may not work for another so it is important to put together your own list you can draw on.  Here are some ideas:

Touch:

• bubble bath with scented oil;

• hot or cool shower feel the water falling on your skin;

• massage;

• stretching/yoga;

• pat an animal;

• wear comfort clothes;

• carry a soft piece of cloth or worry beads or smooth stones etc to feel and touch when you need to.

Hearing:

• soothing music;

• audio book;

• white noise or tv in the background;

• the sounds of nature - birds, ocean etc

• water fountain

Sight:

• make a collage;

• carry soothing pictures with you and pull out when needed;

• go to your favourite place and just enjoy;

• art on your walls;

• picture books/coffee table books.

Smell:

• burn scented candles or incense;

• wear cologne, perfume or scented oil that makes you feel good;

• visit places that have your favourite aroma eg bakery; coffee shop; florist;

• wander in a garden of scented plants;

• bake;

Taste:

• enjoy your favourite food;

• treat yourself to a favourite sweet treat;

• drink your favourite beverage;

• suck on an ice cube;

• eat a juicy piece of fruit.

Once you have recognised that the hijacking occurred and you have developed some strategies to deal with it, it is helpful to begin to remember the triggers so you can give your neocortex (thinking brain) a head start on the amygdala and ward off the hijack.

More on triggers later...

xxCatriona