I grew up with the concept of “constructive criticism”. It was handed out liberally by parents and teachers with the (one can only presume well intentioned) belief that it would make the receiver of it a better person. The boundaries between feedback that was useful for learning and full blown character assassination were blurred and there was no holding back on letting kids know what they were not good at and should really not bother with.
Sounds horrible and more than that it doesn’t work. My point in describing this criticism is that it was so pervasive and accepted that many of us adopted it as a strategy of our very own. This shows up in two ways: firstly as our own inner voice constantly criticising the way we live our daily lives and then in our relationships, where we somehow believe that the more we criticise our partner we will somehow turn them into the perfect partner we would like to be married to. And guaranteed it shows up in other relationships as well.
Criticism is one of relationship expert, John Gottman’s 4 horsemen and is something he looks for when predicting which couples will divorce. It really is that toxic in a relationship. Other research has shown that there is no positive outcome from criticism and in fact, rather than motivating someone to change usually does the opposite. And a highly critical inner voice is linked to depression. It is hard to feel good when you are constantly beating yourself up.
How to quit:
Quitting criticism does not mean you let things slide and never get anything addressed – rather it’s all about how you go about it.
Learn how to raise issues gently and by focusing on the issue not the person: Try “hey honey you agreed to empty the dishwasher. Do you think you could do it before I get the dinner on?” instead of “You’re so lazy you’ve been home all day and the dishwasher still hasn’t been emptied.”
Try to catch yourself and turn it around to an appreciation: When your partner has cleaned the kitchen but didn’t sweep the floor appreciate them for what they did do instead of pointing out what they didn’t.
Pick your timing: Your partner showing you the beautiful throw rug they bought for you both to snuggle under in front of a movie is not the time to tell them they overspend and can’t stick to a budget. Make a different time to have a financial discussion where you work as a team on any issues that have arisen.
Next time…Being right!